The Attack of Lawyers on Modern Society

&nbsp Don't get me wrong, I think Lawyers are cool. I just like making satirical jokes about them. I thought a funny thing to do would be to stick the evil ones into normal events and see how it ans out in my dark twisted mind.

Episode 1. Lawyers at football.
A lawyer goes to a football stadium one evening to see if he can find any faults with the players that he can sue them for.

Sure enough, one of the footballers swore his head off at the referee. So the lawyer took action and here is what actually happened:

Lawyer: Did I just hear you say such utter garbage?

Football player: What?

Lawyer: You heard me! Chapter 97 section 12 subsection 9 paragraph 4 sentence 7 footnote 34 strictly forbids any swaering on the football field. YOU'RE GOING TO COURT BUB!

Football Player: What sort of language does it forbid?

Lawyer: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SAID SUNSHINE!!!

Football Player: No I don't

Lawyer: Thats it! I'm citing you for contempt of the law!

Football Player: I didn't do anything!

Lawyer: Don't make things worse for yourself! Thats another lawsuit you going to have to face!

Football Player: You didn't say anything about a lawsuit!

Lawyer: You are sooooo going to get suuuuued if you don't shut up.

Football Player: Make me.

(The lawyer knocks him unconscious with his briefcase)

Verdict: Without that player, that team lost the game and sued the Lawyer for tarnishing their chances at winning. The Lawyer conter-sued, claiming that they were abusing the legal system and that they were trying to avoid the law (ie him) The Lawyer lost and was forced to re-read the Almanac of Lawyers to right his wrongs (it didn't help)

Episode 2. Lawyers at the Supermarket
A Lawyer goes down to the supermarket to buy a paper so he can read the business an stock market section. Just as he goes to pick up the paper, some biys run with a lemonade bottle in their hands. Here's what actually happened:

Lawyer: You two, STOP RUNNING AND GET BACK HERE!

(The boys come shuffling back)

Boy 1: What happened?

Lawyer: You are running in a confined and slipery place. Chapter 69 section 31 sub-section 5 paragraph 7 sentence 28 footnote 23 strictly forbids running on dangerously slippery surfaces.

Boy 2: It does?

Lawyer: Don't play dumb with me! That's a clear vioaltion of the Lawbook and you guys are sooooo going to get sued for this!

Boy 1: but we didn't do anything!

Lawyer OH YES YOU- Hang on, you delinquents are stealing that lemonade aren't you?

Boy 2: No sir, we were going to purchase it. Here, we have the money.

Lawyer: I bet you stole that moey off some poor unsuspecting patron didn;t you? OH THIS IS ALL ADDING UP TO A VERY HEFTY THEFT LAWSUIT!

Boy 1: Yeah we stole it.

Boy 2: From you!

Lawyer: THEFT, VIOLATIONS OF LAW AND CONTEMPT OF LAWNEN? YOU ARE GOING TO GO TO JAIL FOR THE REST OF YOUR ADOLESCENT LIVES!!!

Random Bystander: Keep it down dude, we're trying to shope here.

Lawyer: Keep out of this! Don't ge yourself sued for obstruction of law.

(The boys take advantage of the distraction to shake up the bottle so the lid spurts off and hits the Lawyer in the groin)

Lawyer: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE.

(The Lawyer falls and knocks the boys unconscious with his briefcase)

Verdict: The boys mother found them like this and sued the lawyer for harrassment and emotional distress. The Lawyer countersued claiming that they aggravated him, they were violating three laws and were defying and resisting law (ie him). The boys won and the Lawyer was forced to re-read the Almanac of Lawyers and take notes to see where he went wrong (it didn't help).

Episode 3: Lawyers at the Airport
A Lawyer went to the international airport to board a plane to America so he could see how hard it would be to win a lawsuit over there. As he was about to board, he asked a nearby German woman what he should set his watch to. She couldn't speak English, so he got angry really quickly. Here is the actual transcript for what happened:

Lawyer: What did you say?

Woman: Ich sagte, es würde etwa 02 Uhr

Lawyer: By order of the high high high high high court, I DEMAND you to speak english!

Woman: Aber ich kenne keine Englisch! Deutsch ist meine Muttersprache!

Lawyer:Stop speaking nonsense and tell me what the time will be!

Woman: Ich spreche nicht Unsinn. Du bist derjenige, der dumm ist!

Lawyer: Thats it! Now you are going to get sued and face a lawsuit for publicly embarrassing and annoying me! Do you realise how sever the punishment for contempt of court is???

Woman: Ich habe nichts getan dummer Mensch. Sie befinden sich unvernünftig, und wenn es Ihnen nichts ausmacht, der Flug ist nun Entern!

(The Lawyer loses his paitience and knocks her unconscious with his briefcase)

Verdict: The woman was unable to board the flight as she had to be rushed to hospital and the pilot would halt the plane for no one. The lawyer was able to get on and to his dismay, it is actually harder to win a lawsuit in America. So he sued the airlines claiming that they did not inform him of America's legal system and that they would not refund his air fares and give him a free ride home. He also sued the woman claiming she held him up. The woman counter-sued claiming he brought this all upon himself, HE was treating the court with contempt, he knocked her unconscious and caused her to miss her flight, pay massive hospital fees and miss out on attending the world peace conference. The Lawyer counter-counter sued claiming that she was suing him just so she can pay for another airplane ticket. The judge threw the lawyer out of the court for frivilous lawsuits and deformation of the German woman and forced him to re-write the 2200 page Almanac of Lawyers and make him take a 100 page test on ethics (it didn't help).

Episode 4. Lawyers at school
A Lawyer decided it would be a fine idea to attend a school assembly and try and improve his image as well as advertise his business. It turns out not all kids are that thick and some spoke out. Being a lawyer, he didn't take it very well. Here's the actual transcript:

Kid 1. Mister, why do you yell so much?

Lawyer: Because dear, I want to make sure you catch my every word.

Kid 2. But we can hear you just-

Lawyer: OH FOR GODS SAKE, WILL YOU STOP INTERUPTING ME???

Kid 2. I-

Lawyer: You bloody kids think you can speak whenever you want and interrupt a grown-up! Have you no respect? Good lord, you kids are so spoilt these days!

Kid 1. Your being mean!

Lawyer: Oh, and you all are easily offended too? Grow up. Your not kids [awkward silence. The lawyer starts to get flustered] Listen you lot, you are all small kids. You do not know any better. You are making stupid actions based upon your horrible lack of knowledge. Why, when I was six, I was doing differential calculus! I bet you don't even know your times tables, do you?"

Kid 2. two times three equals-

Lawyer: Oh don't be such a smart-a**, Everyone knows that. There is nothing special about you little morons.

Kid 1. Why are you being so rude?

Lawyer: Because I am a highly polished and succesful Lawyer and you are nothing but a bunch of snot-nosed little scabs! I mean-

At this point the principal decided that the time was ripe to re-introduce corporal punishment. The Lawyer was promptly thrown out and banned from ever returning to the school ever again. Furious, the Lawyer sued the school for emotional distraught at the hands of the kids, as well as damage to reputation and mental stress. The case was thrown out of court the moment he submitted it. The Lawyer was fined and was promptly banned from speaking at schools ever again. Needless to saw, the Lawyer decided to counteract this with another lawsuit, but thats another story...

Episode 5. Lawyers in your chimney
The other story ends with the lawyer being thrown so far out of court due to his ridiculous counter-suit that he crash lands directly into your chimney. Needless to say, apparently its your fault for having a chimney in an 'inconveinient location'. The following transcription is as follows:

Lawyer: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE! AS A HIGH UP MEMBER OF THE NATIONAL LEAGUE OF LAWYERS, I DEMAND YOU RELEASE ME AT ONCE!

You: Woah, dude... How did you get in there?

Lawyer: Through your negligence in supplying a decent soft material in which to land in.

You: Wait... How was I supposed to know you were going to land in my chimney?

Lawyer: Don't expect me to know everything! It's your fault that I am in an inconvenient position and its your fault that you are such a pathetic specimen who can't even-

You: Now hold up. Your getting a bit over your head. By all means, it was shher... Well I wouldn't say luck, but sheer chance that you ended up in my chimney. The chances of that happening are far too slim for me to even start considering. If it were a deliberate misfarction, I would only be too complient in acknowledgin my mistakes. But seriously dude... You could have landed in any chimney.

Lawyer: Don't patronize me! You are trying to tell me, AN ELITE AND ACCOMPLISHED LAWYER, that you are not accountable for allowing me to fall into your chimney? Who do you think you are? You low life scoundrel weasling your way out of responsibility that you clearly are responsible for!

You: I'm not going to even try and argue with you. You make no sense and are rambling utter garbage on how your trying to force blame on your unfortunate accident onto someone else.

Lawyer: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT PATRONIZING ME? ARE YOU PERHAPS TRYING TO BELITTLE ME BE CLAIMING THAT I AM NOT TRYING TO LOOK AT BOTH SIDES OF THE STORY?

You: Yes

Lawyer: WELL YOU'RE WRONG. YOU ARE TAKING A HORRIBLE STANCE ON THIS ISSUE! YOU ARE MAKING ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY! NOBODY MAKES ME OUT TO BE THE BAD GUY!!! IT'S PEOPLE LIKE YOU I CAN'T STAND, PEOPLE WHO TRY AND PRESS BLAME ONTO OTHERS BECAUSE THEY ARE SO DETERMINED TO AVOID DIRECT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS! YOU LOW LIFE, SPINELESS LITTLE-

At his point, you become sick of the lawyer's blatantly hypocritical statements and light a fire in the basement. The lawyer passes out from smoke inhilation and you are finally able to shut him up. You remove him from the chimney and take him out to the front lawn to have a lie down in the pleasant afternoon sun. Needless to say, when he wakes up, he starts yelling at you about how you 'abducted him', 'went against his better wishes' and 'continued to avoid direct responsibilities for your direct violation of human rights be allowing him to land in your chimney'. At his point, you offer him a cup of tea to calm his nerves. This really sets him off. He starts yelling all sorts of obsenities at you, claiming this is yet another attempt to avoid responsibilities by avoiding the issue and that you probably are going to spike his tea and that 'tea drinkers are pansies'.

The lawyer makes enough loud comments for one of the neighbours to call the police. Needless to say, they are not happy with the Lawyers antics and arrest him on the spot. As of now, the Lawyer has attempted to make  (as of the last count) 2,307 lawsuits claiming violation of human rights, pleading innocence due to his apparent 'absence of any solid evidence', defamation of his reputation and of course the fact that it was your fault that he got stuck in this mess anyways. Mind you, have you ever tried to make a lawsuit from within a jail cell? This clearly cannot end well.

Episode 6. Lawyers on a plane!
coming soon.